Losing someone you love

I would like to bring an issue forwards to you all.

I know I told you a little about how my family life isn't the best right now. My mom is not around, and my dad, well let's just say he isn't really there either due to how much he has to work and such. Anyways, when I got back from college I didn't find the time or the energy to go and visit my best friend. I explained it to her, and she said she understood. We decided to take some time off as friends, give each other some space. And then, all of the sudden she messages me back and says she is disappointed in me, in the way I had been acting.

Let me just get things straight. I believe that I was and still am slightly struggling with depression, and she tells me that she is disappointed and that she wanted her money back. Wait.... let me back up. She and her mom decided to lend me some money for going to YWAM, which you know from a previous post is not going to happen. Anyways, when she saw that post, she decided she wanted her money back. Previous to this, when we decided to take a break she said she wanted to have most of it back but was going to let me keep about a third of it. I was very grateful for that. I was just about to email her about giving her the rest back when she saw my post, and got all mad, demanding to have the money back right away.

I would like to say right now that I had used that money to help my family pay the bills, the mortgage, and buy groceries. I didn't have that money. I politely told her that I was about to email her and that I would pay her back as soon as possible. She then went on a rant about how I had let her down, and that I was not the person she thought I was. I tried to calm her down, but she wouldn't listen. She just kept going on and on and on about how I was a disappointment and a failure as a friend.

I had been through every rough patch together with her. We were best friends since grade 7. We stuck together, even when we were angry or frustrated with each other. I am a loyal person. When I told her I couldn't pay her back right away she got even more frustrated and so I told her that I would give her as much as I could, when I could. She agreed, giving me two weeks to get the most of it.

I do have a job right now, but it isn't like I am making loads of money. She then told me that if I didn't get that money to her by the middle of July, then she would require for me to cancel my backpacking trip, refund my flight tickets, and pay her back. Before this moment I had attempted to be as friendly as possible, not fighting back, only trying to keep our somewhat friendship intact, but my actions after this point perhaps weren't the best.

I was so hurt, felt so rejected, that I started to cry. She knew about my story. She knew that I had a hard time trusting people. That I struggled with rejection because of my childhood, and she still threw me in the dirt and trampled on me. She told me that she couldn't be my friend anymore because I was never there for her, that I never helped her with anything. She felt it was a one sided relationship, but she was wrong. I would have done anything for her. I would have laid down my life, but I just felt like my family at that point needed me more than she did, and I didn't have the energy to lay myself out there for both my family and for her. I was too drained already.

Every message since then from her has been about money. I try and be polite in my messages with her, but she makes it so hard. "When is my next payment" and "You still owe me $200". I am afraid I blew up at her today. I sent not the most polite message this afternoon to her after she asked when I was sending her the rest of the money in that robot message of hers. I know she already thinks the worst of me, but I hope that someday she can see how I feel in this situation.

I know everything isn't about me, but no matter how I pray about this, I just feel more rejected than comforted by God. I don't mean to make my troubles seem more important than hers but I don't know what to do right now. I was on the verge of breaking when I came home from college. I had gained so much knowledge and faith, and my cup was full; suddenly my family came along, and they drank my cup and I was empty again and my best friend wanted more, something I couldn't give. She asked me to do a simple thing, but I just couldn't. I was about to break. And she will hate me forever more from that point on because she thinks I am stuck up and self-centered.

I just don't know if I am doing the right thing. I know the email I sent was perhaps not the best idea, but I am usually not the person to stand up for what I am feeling. I let people run over me, and I couldn't do it anymore. I had been feeling so drained already by her, her complaints, and her need to always be right, to always be better than me. I was sick of it. Not everything was a competition. So what if I was better at something than she was. I didn't care. I just wanted to do my best. It got to the point where I numbed myself down for her. I couldn't do it anymore.

I keep praying, trying to find a way to forgive myself. I know that I already forgive her. She is an only child, it was the way she was raised, the way she has been thinking her whole life. She wants something, she gets it. She doesn't like something, someone changes it for her. I just hope someday that she will come to realize that. I forgive her, but I don't know if I could ever trust her again. Not after what happened.

I will continue to pray, find hope in Christ, and I will pray for her too, that she will find the same peace that I have discovered in God. I don't know how strong her faith is, it wasn't something we talked about a lot, but I will definitely pray.

Feeling slightly unsure and afraid,

Not-So-Princess Lizzy