As most of you know, I am a bookaholic. I tend to read a lot and have actually gone overboard with reading. When I was in grade 10 I read a book a day, and I don't mean like 100 pages, but around 300 page books. That is not healthy. What I am saying is that due to my excessive reading, I never really read my bible. I comforted myself with the fact that the majority of the novels were Christian Inspirational books. Don't get me wrong, reading is absolutely a good habit to get into, but not do the extent I was. I couldn't sleep without reading at least a page in my book, and once I read a page I couldn't put it down. I would read to the early hours of the morning. I am not proud of how I acted, and at times I let my studies drop because I was reading to much.
What any of this has to do with spiritual formation, well, I let fiction get in the way of my bible. I would try to do my devotions, but I have to admit, reading my bible is way less thrilling as my books were at that point in time. I couldn't get past the long lists and the way they were written. Yes they were stories, but they were written in a form that was unlike a novel. They didn't have much description and very little dialogue, just the decisions people made and the results of those choices. Not very interesting right? So I guess that reading got in the way of my relationship with Christ and my journey in learning more about him and what he means to me.
My life is full of pit-falls and struggles, and most of it I will share later on in some other posts, but God has been there through it all. There have been moments when I felt like throwing it all down and walking away because I couldn't see what he was doing to my life. When I feel like that God reminds me of a poem.
Footprints
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noted two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonged to him and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
h looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, You said that once I decided to follow You,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed You most You would leave me."
The Lord replied,
"My son, my precious child, I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,
IT WAS THEN THAT I CARRIED YOU."
I know that God has been there in my life. Now that I look back I can see the whole picture and know that the only reason I made it through those situations was because he carried me. I would not have survived on my own. When I really needed him I would pray and somehow, somewhere, I knew that God would change me, change my life for the better in the end even if it didn't feel like it. At one point I felt so low that I temporarily considered taking pills and ending my suffering I could literally see God's hands reaching down and lifting me off of the floor!! Totally a Lord of the Rings moment.
I continue to struggle with keeping in God's word, but I now find it much more interesting and intriguing than I did a few years ago. I just have to pray that God will give me the strength continue to seek his presence. I desperately need God's presence in my life, and I will not make it on my own. My struggle will be to continue to seek him when I am busy or just don't feel like it. I am praying that He wont let me do that, but will keep me in his hand, encouraging me to follow after him. I know that there will be other disciplines that I will have to learn to practice, and this is only one of them, so I don't know how well I will do at learning other things. I will try new things, and I think that it will be difficult trying new things when I may not feel like it.
Writing Her Feelings,
Not-So-Princess Lizzie
Writing Her Feelings,
Not-So-Princess Lizzie
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