Moving Out, and Moving On

Alright, so I originally named this blog A Girl's Step Up because I wanted to move on from the past. Take the few steps needed to get out of the the garbage dump that had become my life. That was when I went to school... and after college I moved back home, I, for the sole purpose of assisting others, willingly jumped back into the mire. I felt God call me to be at home, and it was a learning process that I in turn was blessed by. The time came though, when my dad was released from prison into a halfway house an hour from where I lived with my mom and brother, that I knew it was time to move out and move on.

So what does that mean? Move out and move on. Sounds so final. So unforgiving. It wasn't that at all. I love my family, and even though they put me through hell, and have scarred me for life with issues that I will have to work through, I would move mountains for them.

In reality, all I mean by that statement is leaving the past in the past. Not allowing it to decide our future. My situation could have a double meaning as I did move out of my parents house, and am now living on my own, which I recommend for everyone to do before they decide to get married. I am also moving out of the mind set of accepting my life for what it was, and not actively pursuing a change. I had no idea the amount of damage I had hidden in my heart until I was forced to confront it. A really important person in my life pulled me aside and told me that they had to actively restrain themselves from getting mad at those in my family for the way they treat each other and me. I had no idea there was a better option. I didn't know my family could have tackled life differently.

I had grown up with the thought that people showed love through their love language (whatever that may be) and that they couldn't really change that. This person kindly, but forcefully showed me that I wasn't being met, I wasn't being filled because no one in my family was giving love to me in my love language. They were too caught up in accepting the love that they received to notice that they weren't returning the favor of stepping out of their comfort zone, and perhaps showing love in a way that was different for them.

The transition between Spring & Summer - reminding me that
when we move on, we get to see more beauty. Spring
is more than just cleaning, it is also a glimpse at the beauty
to come. 

This wasn't an easy process, and it can't say that my eyes stayed dry, or have been completely dry for weeks now. I decided to get a counselor, which has been so helpful! I have never been so challenged spiritually, emotionally, & relationally, as I have been the last few weeks working through issues that have plagued me my whole life.

I have been learning all over again that I really do need to give everything to God, and trust in Him. I need to find my encouragement in Him and to do that I need to work through the past and look to the future. As I am working through these issues, such as boundaries and abandonment, I am discovering more of who I am as a person, and what I want my future to look like. This verse really impacted me earlier when I read it, and I just wanted to share it with you guys.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints." - Ephesians 6:10-18

Satan will constantly strive to bring us down, to not let us MOVE ON, but we can't let him. We have to stand strong in God, and to do that we need to be prepared. So everyone, drop your past, your sins, your weights that are holding you back. See a counselor or someone that you can truly confide in if you need to, but you got to get rid of that extra baggage if you are going to be able to fight to the end, to finish the race strong.

Feelin' rejuvenated,
Not-So-Princess Lizzy

Becoming a True Woman

Alright, for all you ladies out there, this is for you. I don't know or care if you are single, dating, or married. If you are young or old or straight up wrinkly all over. Our entire life is a struggle to become a True Woman of God, to become the women we all desire to be. I'm going to talk about what the Bible says about this, and maybe give a few pointers from what I have learned. I am also planning on doing a day by day study on Proverbs 31:10-31, a passage on what a "Worthy" woman looks like, and who we should strive to be in our relationships and marriages. 

So what do you think a beautiful woman looks like? Maybe a woman with perfect hair every day, or a stunning face, a perfect body? We define one of the most important terms for a woman with such derogatory and negative definitions, it's no wonder we are so broken and seek the wrong sort of men to make us feel loved.

I read a book recently by Chad Eastham called "The Truth about Guys". Yeah, I know, sounds cheesy, but I really wanted to hear what he had to say about why we think the way we do, and how we need to change our thinking before we find that "Dream Boat" guy us girls always wish for. I found the following excerpt extremely fascinating.

A Girl's Value Menu  If you could choose to be either of the following hypothetical girls, which one would you prefer?

Girl A: When a guy looks at you, he thinks most guys don't have a chance. Not because you are too beautiful or because you're mean, but because you don't seem interested in all boys. A guy sees you and knows it is going to take a lot of effort to develop a friendship with you. He's going to have to use his heart and his head if he's going to have a chance at any type of relationship with you. When a guy makes an effort to meet you, he stares into your eyes as though he is trying to see right into your heart. He's there to help you, not harm you. He wants you to know you are really important and he wants the best for you. He compliments you for no reason at all, and he doesn't require something of you at the end of the sentence... or the evening. He looks out for you, even when you aren't looking out for yourself. A guy who spends time with you wants to make you laugh and smile. Seeing you giggle when he looks at you makes him happier than most anything. He simply wants you to know you are wonderful, beautiful, and deserve nothing but the best, with no strings attached. And he doesn't want anything in return for this at all.

Girl B: A guy looks at you and thinks you are a mighty fine piece of meat. He thinks you look like someone that he can try some new stuff with. He knows he doesn't have to marry you in order to get you to do whatever he wants. He's determined to win you over tonight - and by "win" he's only thinking of his own satisfaction and pleasure. He doesn't really care about meeting your needs - especially not in the long run - as long as you can meet his. he wants something from you, and he figures that with minimal effort you'll probably give it to him.  

Drum Roll: ...Believe it or not, guys love friendships and relationships, with Girl A! The thing to note her is that you are the person who determines which girl you are seen as. Let me say that again. It's not up to anyone else to make that decision - it's up to YOU!

A girl who displays her sex appeal, a party girl, or a loud-mouthed, insecure girl who is craving a guy's attention all the time likely isn't going to be swept off her feet by a handsome prince who just wants to stare into her eyes all day. Not that you just want to be stared at, but you get the point

Likewise, a girl who doesn't use her body in sexual ways to get attention, one who cares about her reputation and has goals and relationship standards ahead of time, is not going to settle for anything less than someone who cares for her. She refuses to be seen as a target, so guys don't look at her and think she is prey. She has those rules written all over her. 

Guys see the instructions for girls ahead of time - before we get within twenty feet of them - so we know if we want to start out on their terms or not. Every girl may want to be seen as valuable, precious, and as someone to be treasured. But in reality, many girls who want to be treasures actually look more like targets; they just can't figure out why! 

 Remember: you have a heart perfectly designed for you by the greatest of designers. Your heart is there for you to take care of, so when you expose it, it will be cherished and taken care of in return. Allow your heart to be so wrapped up in God that a guy has to ask for directions to get to it 

The best guy in the world cannot give you everything you need. He can't be perfect. He can't fill your voids. Most important, none of that is his job. A guy doesn't want a girl who needs him to be her dad. A guy doesn't want to convince you that you are beautiful. He wants to sit in admiration of your beauty! But he can't do that unless you let him. And you can't let him until you believe it yourself!

 So what do you think? Is Chad right? Do we really need to project ourselves differently, because the way we act is drawing the wrong kind of guys? Are we looking to guys to fill our voids, and we are allowing them to see how broken we are, therefore they are better able to use us and abuse us?

I believe that Chad is completely right! He hit it on the spot. Girls always seem to be needy. We are never perfect enough. There is always someone better, and we are always comparing. Learning to be content with who we are is never easy, but if you want a healthy relationship with the "hero" of your life, that is what you need to do!

We need to search the scriptures, and find out what God desires us to be like, how we are to become a True Woman! Then, and only then, will we begin to see ourselves that way (not vainly, but with honesty)

1 Peter 3:3 says, "Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear."

Do you rely on outward things to feel beautiful? I was challenged last year to fast for a week. I decided that I didn't wish to fast from food, but from makeup. From then on, I have strived to be able to go a day a week, or at least one day in a month without makeup around a boyfriend, your best friends, your work, anywhere. Just go a day without. It may seem hard at first, but ti is so empowering, especially the more you do it. You learn to be beautiful for who you are internally, not just the beautiful on the outside.

On that note, another verse about inner beauty. Galatians 2:20 - I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Did you catch that? Christ lives in us, and there is nothing more beautiful or empowering than that. We have life because of Jesus' sacrifice. When we live to let him flourish within us, we glow like never before. It is time you let Christ shine through you!

Before I let you go for the day, I want you to read the following passage from Proverbs, and just study the words. They are powerful, and some might not make sense right now, but don't worry. I'll go into detail for you later on!

The Woman Who Fears the LORD

PROVERBS 31:10-31

10. An excellent wife who can find?

She is far more precious than jewels.

11. The heart of her husband trusts in her,

and he will have no lack of gain.

12. She does him good, and not harm,

all the days of her life.

13. She seeks wool and flax,

and works with willing hands.

14. She is like the ships of the merchant;

she brings her food from afar.

15. She rises while it is yet night

and provides food for her household

and portions for her maidens.

16. She considers a field and buys it;

with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

17. She dresses herself with strength 

and makes her arms strong.

18. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.

Her lamp does not go out at night.

19. She puts her hands to the distaff,

and her hands hold the spindle.

20. She opens her hand to the poor

and reaches out her hands to the needy.

21. She is not afraid of snow for her household,

for all her household are clothed in scarlet.

22. She makes bed coverings for herself;

her clothing is fine linen and purple.

23. Her husband is known in the gates

when he sits among the elders of the land.

24. She makes linen garments and sells them;

she delivers sashes to the merchant.

25. Strength and dignity are her clothing,

and she laughs at the time to come.

26. She opens her mouth with wisdom,

and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

27. She looks well to the ways of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28. Her children rise up and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

29. "Many women have done excellently,

but you surpass them all."

30. Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

31. Give her the fruit of her hands,

and let her works praise her in the gates.

Feelin' Empowered,

Not-So-Princess Lizzy

Foam Painting

Alright everyone... so I know I have been a slacker in posting... so here goes. I have been doing a few new crafts, and I want you to check 'em out. So here is something that I have started for a friend. I am not sure if I like it quite yet, so I am working on maybe changing it a little bit, but here goes. I might redo it as I discovered things as I went along...

I have a verse this year that I picked that really means a lot to me, something that I want to symbolize and represent me and how I have grown throughout the year. That verse is Jeremiah 17:7-8. It says,

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,

whose trust is the LORD. 

He is like a tree planted by water,

that sends out its roots by the stream,

and does not fear when heat comes,

and is not anxious in the year of drought,

for it does not cease to bear fruit."

I chose this verse, and then I started noticing on Pinterest the amount of crafts that contain trees on them... so I decided to give them as gifts for Christmas to my family as I made them. Anyways, this I didn't see on Pinterest, but I saw tips on how to do it, so I decided to give it a try... and kinda failed.

Here is what I did. I saw a pin on how you can write with foam paint on wax paper, and later mod podge it onto canvas. I figured, why not do this with the verses! Unfortunately the only foam paint I have is fabric foam paint. I thought it was the same thing for some reason, and went for it. I printed it off, wrote it out on wax paper, and once it was dry realized my mistake. It doesn't harden stiff like regular foam paint as it is made to mold with a shirt/fabric. Therefore it doesn't come off the wax paper. 

I then had to change what I was doing. I threw out the foam paint on wax paper... and started fresh. I took the verse and taped it to the back of the canvas (after I had watered down a yellow and brownish paint and covered the background), and traced the words with a pencil. I then took the paint and wrote the words directly onto the canvas. Unfortunately, when I wrote with the pencil, my hand got tired, and I was not very careful with how clear or precise my lines were. 

When the paint had dried, I realized my problem. Some of the pencil lines were visible, and if I erased to vigorously, it would break the paint off. I got most of the pencil off, and I don't think it looks too bad. 

For the second part of this gift I painted a tree and did swirly colors (like my last craft, which you can find here) as the leaves. I then took buttons and glued them down onto the canvas to give it a 3D effect. I am not quite sure I like the colors that much, but here is the finished product. Hopefully you like it, but I will definitely have to use REAL foam paint if I am going to attempt this again!

My Life Story - Part 1

Alright, so I know y'all are going to be going into shock right now as I am putting up a new post right now, especially at this early hour, but I just felt like it was needed. I'm going to break it all to you straight, I'M RUN DOWN.

I know you are all in the dark as to why, so that is what this post is all about... and I apologize in advance for the length and will probably split up the story to a few entries. For the past 3, almost 4 years my life has been a living hell. You know when you are watching a movie full of cops and such, and you are thinking to yourself, WOW, I don't know if I could live through that... well my family just did.

Intro

My dad, due to deep residing hatred against CRA for stealing millions of dollars back in '95 decided to not pay income taxes. He filed zero's on his tax returns, and my mom did as well to keep our family together. This of course had to come to an end at some point, and in November of 2009 they (meaning cops, family services, CRA employees, as well as who knows else) raided our home and seized all of my dad's paperwork as well as went through EVERYTHING in the house. And I mean everything.

I was at in class at the time at the Christian School in town. I was currently in grade 10, and had no idea what was happening just 4 km away. The secretary came to my class and asked to see me, which was strange because that wasn't something that ever happened. The worst scenarios were going through my head... my parents died in a car accident, my brother died from a drug overdose, my grandfather passed away... I never imagined what would happen next.

She brought me to the office and said that I had a visitor that wished to speak to me... and at this I was extremely confused... like more than normal. She brought me to the principle's office and introduced me to a family service representative. She seemed nice and all, but I was a little confuzzled (yes that is a word) as to why she was visiting me. I mean, my parents weren't child beaters.... so what was this all about.

I soon got my answer as she explained that they were investigating my family as we were brought to their attention. She wouldn't say by whom or why, but I just went along with it. She proceeded for the next hour to pump me with questions about how my parents raised me, how they treated us kids, how we were punished etc. Now I will be the first to say that I got MANY whippings and other various forms of disciplining as a child (including the removal of books for two weeks :P), but I know that I deserved them in some way, shape or form. I knew my parents loved me, and were trying to raise me to become the God-fearing woman that I am now. Nearing the end of the hour she asked me when the last time my parents had punished me with the belt. I of course answered with as much truth as possible in saying it had been a while, but how long I had no idea.

Even at the age I was, I knew that the wrong answer could put us kids in a relative's residence... and that scared me. I was "careful" with everything I said, fearing what she was writing in that notepad of hers. Little did I know that my older brother Caleb, by 1.5 years, was in the room beside mine also talking to a family service rep. He was grilled the same way, and I am assuming answered in the same form as me.

She finally allowed me to return to my class, in which I had a hard time acting like life was normal and that it wasn't just about to fall apart! I sat through the remaining hour of class and waited anxiously for my mom to pick me up, all the while pretty much ignoring my friends around me. The moment I got into the vehicle I knew life wouldn't be the same again. She drove Caleb and I home, all the while explaining what was going on. She seemed shocked to find out that we had been talked to already, and was furious that she was not told by family services before they spoke to us. And the funny thing was, that we were both told that our parents were told about our meeting and were fine with it.

The Home Scene

I was in for the shock of my life when we drove onto the driveway and discovered about 20 cop cars as well as about another 10 civilian cars on our driveway and street, some with the lights still flashing. My mom informed my brother and I to pack up about a weeks worth of clothes and anything else we would need because we were moving into a family friend's house for the time being.

Our view off the back of the property

When I walked into my room I felt completely violated. There were two people in there going through my journals as well as my books and clothing. They didn't necessarily "mess" anything up, but you could tell where they had been already as things were shifted. I don't know if you have ever experienced something like that, but I don't wish to experience it again. Gives me the shivers remembering.

I packed my clothes and grabbed all my school stuff as well as some books and my volleyball gear. I remember grabbing some shirts as my mom walked into my room and looked at me with huge tears in her eyes. She just stood in the doorway, looking about to break into pieces, and the only thing I could do was go to her and give her the biggest hug ever and tell her that everything would be OK,  and that we just had to pray.

Once ready, she drove us over 3 blocks and dropped us off, all the while telling us she would be by soon to check up on us. To keep this portion of the story from going on forever... I am going to hurry it up and just say that we lived there for a month and a half while my parents fixed an "apparent mold problem" that could be "SMELLED" from the upstairs to the downstairs (not actually possible) as well as correct some of the wiring and electrical in the house that was unfinished as we were in the middle of a renovation.

I am about to sign off for now as I don't think I can write any more as I am super exhausted but I will either write some more tomorrow or Saturday, and let you know a little bit more about my crazy story, and how God made it possible for me to continue to live one more day at a time.

Feelin' a little blue,
Not-So-Princess Lizzy

A Lasting Legacy

Sorry for the pause between my posts. I have had the most busy week of my life. No joke. Let me tell you about it.

From July 16-20th I had VBS at my church. This means that I was up at 5am and wouldn't get to sleep till super late. Oh. I just realized that some of you may not know what VBS is. It stands for Vacation Bible School. It usually lasts a week and is jam packed with fun songs, activities, stories, crafts, games, and videos. Kids just love to learn more about God during this time, and the easy Bible points and verses make it easy for them to remember.

So anyways, I was just working with my church for VBS. The week before was so busy, I worked 70 hours. I don't know if I could have survived one more hour! Then this week came along and I worked another 60 hours. I don't know how I did it, but with God's assistance I made it out alive.

Who knew VBS takes so much planning? We did SKY, where everything is possible with God. It was all about Trusting God through everything. No matter who you are, how you feel, what people say, what happens, or where you are... you need to TRUST GOD!

This year we had 98 kids that came! This was way more than ever before, and many of them had never seen a bible or heard about Christ Jesus, who had died for them. The Gideon's sent us New Testament Bibles, which we got to give to all of the children as well.

It was funny though, Satan was definitely hard a work around us. He sent people to complain about the stupidest things; the food, money, and other inconsequential details. It was definitely a time to practice patience and trust.

Something that I was reminded of today during bible study is that we are leaving a legacy behind us, but what kind are we leaving? I thought of VBS and how the children look up to the leaders. I had a main part in VBS, being a leader on stage. Each morning of VBS there was a skit that took place, and I had the privilege to be the main character. The kids saw me throughout the morning, and would always say hi to me, tell me they loved me and thought I was funny.

The more I think about this, the more I realize that I need to leave that kind of impression everywhere I go. I need to live out my faith in God, be the best I can be so that others can learn from my experiences and examples, and eventually turn their life over to Christ.

So the bible study today about having a good lasting legacy made me think about how I am acting around others and what people remember about me when I am no longer around. Maybe I need to start to consider changing the legacy I am leaving... Just some food to chew on.

Pondering life
Not-So-Princess Lizzy

Losing someone you love

I would like to bring an issue forwards to you all.

I know I told you a little about how my family life isn't the best right now. My mom is not around, and my dad, well let's just say he isn't really there either due to how much he has to work and such. Anyways, when I got back from college I didn't find the time or the energy to go and visit my best friend. I explained it to her, and she said she understood. We decided to take some time off as friends, give each other some space. And then, all of the sudden she messages me back and says she is disappointed in me, in the way I had been acting.

Let me just get things straight. I believe that I was and still am slightly struggling with depression, and she tells me that she is disappointed and that she wanted her money back. Wait.... let me back up. She and her mom decided to lend me some money for going to YWAM, which you know from a previous post is not going to happen. Anyways, when she saw that post, she decided she wanted her money back. Previous to this, when we decided to take a break she said she wanted to have most of it back but was going to let me keep about a third of it. I was very grateful for that. I was just about to email her about giving her the rest back when she saw my post, and got all mad, demanding to have the money back right away.

I would like to say right now that I had used that money to help my family pay the bills, the mortgage, and buy groceries. I didn't have that money. I politely told her that I was about to email her and that I would pay her back as soon as possible. She then went on a rant about how I had let her down, and that I was not the person she thought I was. I tried to calm her down, but she wouldn't listen. She just kept going on and on and on about how I was a disappointment and a failure as a friend.

I had been through every rough patch together with her. We were best friends since grade 7. We stuck together, even when we were angry or frustrated with each other. I am a loyal person. When I told her I couldn't pay her back right away she got even more frustrated and so I told her that I would give her as much as I could, when I could. She agreed, giving me two weeks to get the most of it.

I do have a job right now, but it isn't like I am making loads of money. She then told me that if I didn't get that money to her by the middle of July, then she would require for me to cancel my backpacking trip, refund my flight tickets, and pay her back. Before this moment I had attempted to be as friendly as possible, not fighting back, only trying to keep our somewhat friendship intact, but my actions after this point perhaps weren't the best.

I was so hurt, felt so rejected, that I started to cry. She knew about my story. She knew that I had a hard time trusting people. That I struggled with rejection because of my childhood, and she still threw me in the dirt and trampled on me. She told me that she couldn't be my friend anymore because I was never there for her, that I never helped her with anything. She felt it was a one sided relationship, but she was wrong. I would have done anything for her. I would have laid down my life, but I just felt like my family at that point needed me more than she did, and I didn't have the energy to lay myself out there for both my family and for her. I was too drained already.

Every message since then from her has been about money. I try and be polite in my messages with her, but she makes it so hard. "When is my next payment" and "You still owe me $200". I am afraid I blew up at her today. I sent not the most polite message this afternoon to her after she asked when I was sending her the rest of the money in that robot message of hers. I know she already thinks the worst of me, but I hope that someday she can see how I feel in this situation.

I know everything isn't about me, but no matter how I pray about this, I just feel more rejected than comforted by God. I don't mean to make my troubles seem more important than hers but I don't know what to do right now. I was on the verge of breaking when I came home from college. I had gained so much knowledge and faith, and my cup was full; suddenly my family came along, and they drank my cup and I was empty again and my best friend wanted more, something I couldn't give. She asked me to do a simple thing, but I just couldn't. I was about to break. And she will hate me forever more from that point on because she thinks I am stuck up and self-centered.

I just don't know if I am doing the right thing. I know the email I sent was perhaps not the best idea, but I am usually not the person to stand up for what I am feeling. I let people run over me, and I couldn't do it anymore. I had been feeling so drained already by her, her complaints, and her need to always be right, to always be better than me. I was sick of it. Not everything was a competition. So what if I was better at something than she was. I didn't care. I just wanted to do my best. It got to the point where I numbed myself down for her. I couldn't do it anymore.

I keep praying, trying to find a way to forgive myself. I know that I already forgive her. She is an only child, it was the way she was raised, the way she has been thinking her whole life. She wants something, she gets it. She doesn't like something, someone changes it for her. I just hope someday that she will come to realize that. I forgive her, but I don't know if I could ever trust her again. Not after what happened.

I will continue to pray, find hope in Christ, and I will pray for her too, that she will find the same peace that I have discovered in God. I don't know how strong her faith is, it wasn't something we talked about a lot, but I will definitely pray.

Feeling slightly unsure and afraid,

Not-So-Princess Lizzy