Losing someone you love

I would like to bring an issue forwards to you all.

I know I told you a little about how my family life isn't the best right now. My mom is not around, and my dad, well let's just say he isn't really there either due to how much he has to work and such. Anyways, when I got back from college I didn't find the time or the energy to go and visit my best friend. I explained it to her, and she said she understood. We decided to take some time off as friends, give each other some space. And then, all of the sudden she messages me back and says she is disappointed in me, in the way I had been acting.

Let me just get things straight. I believe that I was and still am slightly struggling with depression, and she tells me that she is disappointed and that she wanted her money back. Wait.... let me back up. She and her mom decided to lend me some money for going to YWAM, which you know from a previous post is not going to happen. Anyways, when she saw that post, she decided she wanted her money back. Previous to this, when we decided to take a break she said she wanted to have most of it back but was going to let me keep about a third of it. I was very grateful for that. I was just about to email her about giving her the rest back when she saw my post, and got all mad, demanding to have the money back right away.

I would like to say right now that I had used that money to help my family pay the bills, the mortgage, and buy groceries. I didn't have that money. I politely told her that I was about to email her and that I would pay her back as soon as possible. She then went on a rant about how I had let her down, and that I was not the person she thought I was. I tried to calm her down, but she wouldn't listen. She just kept going on and on and on about how I was a disappointment and a failure as a friend.

I had been through every rough patch together with her. We were best friends since grade 7. We stuck together, even when we were angry or frustrated with each other. I am a loyal person. When I told her I couldn't pay her back right away she got even more frustrated and so I told her that I would give her as much as I could, when I could. She agreed, giving me two weeks to get the most of it.

I do have a job right now, but it isn't like I am making loads of money. She then told me that if I didn't get that money to her by the middle of July, then she would require for me to cancel my backpacking trip, refund my flight tickets, and pay her back. Before this moment I had attempted to be as friendly as possible, not fighting back, only trying to keep our somewhat friendship intact, but my actions after this point perhaps weren't the best.

I was so hurt, felt so rejected, that I started to cry. She knew about my story. She knew that I had a hard time trusting people. That I struggled with rejection because of my childhood, and she still threw me in the dirt and trampled on me. She told me that she couldn't be my friend anymore because I was never there for her, that I never helped her with anything. She felt it was a one sided relationship, but she was wrong. I would have done anything for her. I would have laid down my life, but I just felt like my family at that point needed me more than she did, and I didn't have the energy to lay myself out there for both my family and for her. I was too drained already.

Every message since then from her has been about money. I try and be polite in my messages with her, but she makes it so hard. "When is my next payment" and "You still owe me $200". I am afraid I blew up at her today. I sent not the most polite message this afternoon to her after she asked when I was sending her the rest of the money in that robot message of hers. I know she already thinks the worst of me, but I hope that someday she can see how I feel in this situation.

I know everything isn't about me, but no matter how I pray about this, I just feel more rejected than comforted by God. I don't mean to make my troubles seem more important than hers but I don't know what to do right now. I was on the verge of breaking when I came home from college. I had gained so much knowledge and faith, and my cup was full; suddenly my family came along, and they drank my cup and I was empty again and my best friend wanted more, something I couldn't give. She asked me to do a simple thing, but I just couldn't. I was about to break. And she will hate me forever more from that point on because she thinks I am stuck up and self-centered.

I just don't know if I am doing the right thing. I know the email I sent was perhaps not the best idea, but I am usually not the person to stand up for what I am feeling. I let people run over me, and I couldn't do it anymore. I had been feeling so drained already by her, her complaints, and her need to always be right, to always be better than me. I was sick of it. Not everything was a competition. So what if I was better at something than she was. I didn't care. I just wanted to do my best. It got to the point where I numbed myself down for her. I couldn't do it anymore.

I keep praying, trying to find a way to forgive myself. I know that I already forgive her. She is an only child, it was the way she was raised, the way she has been thinking her whole life. She wants something, she gets it. She doesn't like something, someone changes it for her. I just hope someday that she will come to realize that. I forgive her, but I don't know if I could ever trust her again. Not after what happened.

I will continue to pray, find hope in Christ, and I will pray for her too, that she will find the same peace that I have discovered in God. I don't know how strong her faith is, it wasn't something we talked about a lot, but I will definitely pray.

Feeling slightly unsure and afraid,

Not-So-Princess Lizzy

Long Time

So. I know that it has been a long time since I have posted, and for that I am really sorry. Life gets busy. What can I say? Anyways, I am hopefully back for good. I will be posting a lot of recipes in the next little while because I love baking and I want to find some really good gluten-free, dairy-free, and mostly sugar-free recipes. Who knows. We will hopefully discover some great recipes along the way.

I guess I should update you all. I was originally planning on going to England in September for YWAM (Youth With A Mission). Right now that plan has been put on hold because I have realized what I want to do with my future. I am hoping on becoming an Event Planner. I don't know what side of that I may be, whether it is a Wedding Planner or Planning stuff with hotel conference rooms, what I do know is that I am excited for this future that I have found and I hope that I can help others in it.

What I do need is to get 2 courses that I didn't finish in High School done because I did not think I would need them..... guess I was wrong. But hey, that happens when you skip a grade. So I will intern with my church this summer. Oh. I forgot to tell you that too. I am interning with my church hopefully this summer, I have to talk to my Pastor on Monday about how that will work with my messed up schedule. For the internship to work the church needed a grant from the government, and for the church to get that grant they need someone that is going to be coming out of school and going in to school, now since I haven't been accepted and some university or college for business courses, we will have to see how that will work out. Cross our fingers right?

Well anyways, if I get the internship still, then everything will work out. I will take the courses online and work full time with the church. I will then figure out where to go to school... that is the tough one I think. Do I try and apply in Calgary at U of C or Mt. Royal, or do I just stick with the college near home in Kelowna? I am just not sure.

I should also tell you about college at CBC. It was one of the best years of my life. I had so much fun, made a few really good friends, and learned so much about my faith and about myself. Who knew there was so much to learn. The pictures I posted with this post are from a photo shoot we did before we all left. I will definitely miss everyone so much and these pictures will get me through missing them.

So this is the first post of Summer 2012, and you should expect to hear more coming soon.

Looking brightly to the future,
Not-So-Princess Lizzy

Cookie Dough Dip

Once again life got ahead of me. Many of you may have remembered me mentioning that I was super busy last semester here at college. Well, was I ever wrong. I am so busy now that I barely have time to check my email or facebook anymore. Yeah!! It is rediculous! But anyways. My friend sent me this link to a website that had this amazing recipe on it, and I know that every single person out there will love it! I have yet to try it, but I know that it is going to be amazing.


For those of you out there that are allergic to gluten, well you are just in luck. I have a recipe for........ 


CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH DIP

Exactly! Cookie dough dip! It is even healthy. Check out the recipe below and go look at the blog that it originated from. 

Cookie Dough Dip

• 1 1/2 cups chickpeas (1 can, drained) (250g)
• 1/8 tsp plus 1/16 tsp salt
• tiny bit over 1/8 tsp baking soda
• 2 tsp pure vanilla extract
• 1/4 cup nut butter (You can get away with using only 3 T. If you use peanut butter, it’ll have a very-slight “pb cookie dough” taste, so if you don’t want this, you can sub oil.)
• up to 1/4 cup milk of choice (Start with 1 T, and add more as needed)
• Sweetener (see note below, for amount)
• 1/3 cup chocolate chips (or Sugar-Free Chocolate Chips)
• 2 to 3 T oats (or flaxmeal) (You can omit, but also omit the milk if you do)

Add all ingredients (except for chocolate chips) to a food processor, and blend until very smooth. Then mix in the chocolate chips

http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2011/05/23/want-to-eat-an-entire-bowl-of-cookie-dough/

Even More Confused

It seems I have been extremely bad with keeping up to date on my blogs. I have been going to college for the past 3.5 months, and if any of you have gone to college, you will know that it is not easy. I had so much homework that after a while I had no drive to actually write in my blog and even stopped reading novels, which will come as a surprise to many people who actually know me.

Anyways, I suppose I should fill you all in on my life. I broke up with my boyfriend. After all of the troubles that I had, I just couldn't deal with it. I was just too stressed out with who I was and not really knowing me at all. He ended up being immature in the end. If any of you can actually believe it, he refused to Skype or call me, so I broke up with him over text. YES! Text. My roommate was so mad she was threatening to get his cell number and call him herself. A guy shouldn't do that to a girl should they? I mean, I think that he thinks bad about me because I could not properly explain myself to him. How am I supposed to say what I am thinking when I am not very good at texting T9, and I have a limited amount of space per text, and he doesn't text back with anything useful to say. So that is my rant. I must warn all you girls out there, don't date someone that is the same age or close to, your own age until they are at least 20 because they are way to immature for you. Guys take longer to mature, which is a known fact, so don't settle for less than you already have.

So what else can I tell you? I know. I am so confused about this friend of mine. About a year and a half ago we were in the same class together, and I have to say that I really liked him. We would always tease each other and he tried to make fun of me so much. We had an easy friendship, and what can I say, I almost wanted it to be more. We would talk on Facebook for so long, but not long after we were talking he told me about this other girl he liked. Eventually they started dating, and what was I suppose to do.

Like any good girl, I backed off and became a friend for him, the ear that he needed. Some people were jealous and spread rumors about the girl he was dating. After a while of us talking and me trying to comfort him the best I could, he found out that some of the rumors were true. She had been cheating on him and had many risque relationships. He took it so hard, and I didn't know what to do for him except become his friend. We talked to late hours of the night. My friends at school began to tease me saying I liked him, but of course I denied it. I couldn't tell him that I liked him, not after his heart had been broken.

We drifted apart when he moved away, but suddenly he starts talking to me two weeks ago. We talk a lot now, and if I don't reply to a text after a while he will send me another one. I don't know what to think. Does he want something else from this relationship? Does he know how I felt before? I feel guilty for thinking about someone about a month after I broke up with my previous boyfriend, but I know this guy so much better than the other one. Do I risk something, when I don't know what is going to happen in my future due to money. I am so uncertain again. OF COURSE. It always happens to me this way. I get so confused. I just wish it would all be resolved.

As a girl I guess we always wish that guys liked us, but we don't want the consequences of what would happen if they did. I really want him to like me, but I don't know what I would do if he did. Ya know. Life is so confusing. I just don't know what to do and I wish that someone would help me with this. I continually pray, but I have to say, since it is Christmas it is hard to figure this out.

So once again I am lost and trying to figure this out on my own. Being home for Christmas is great, but I must say that I miss my roommate a lot and can't wait to get back. I will wait till this ridiculous season passes and I figure out a little bit more about me and my God this Christmas and then I will try and decipher where this relationship is going and what it means that he is seeking me out.

I have to go now, we haven't decorated the Christmas tree, and this year I have been designated to put the lights on. LUCKY ME! :P Everyone in my family hates that job, so I best get it done with. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Once again, Lost and Confused,
Not-So-Princess Lizzy

Assignment

So, I guess you are really sick of my homework, but I can't help it. I don't know where else to journal. :) So here goes. Today I need to write down my prayers. You don't have to read if you don't want to.

Dear Lord,


Everything is starting to seem so hectic. I can't ever focus on my prayers. I start and then my mind wanders, and I am really sorry about that. I just want to thank you for allowing me to stay at college here. I am so tired of trying to find the funds and trying to come up with some money so that I can stay. The fact that my grandparents church is willing to give me money astounds me. How you could have put it on their hearts to be willing to give money to someone most of them do not know is so touching. I just don't know what to say about it. Lord, I want to thank you for everyone here at college. They are all so kind and no one is condescending or rude to me. I love working as a cashier in the kitchen on campus because I get to see so many faces, and can maybe bring a smile to a few of them. 


You have given me so much and I have given so little in return. I guess what I am trying to say is I don't know what to say. You have blessed me to the fullest extent and I can't give anything in return.


I would like to pray for a few things, and I know that you don't keep tabs of such things, but I want to thank you in advance. Please I pray for 3 people that I met online at powertochange.com. Thank you for allowing me to be a mentor there and I just pray that everyone that I meet will be willing to listen to what you have to say through me. Help Lou Lou with her addiction lord and help her realize that you love her and will help her overcome that addiction. Be with Cher as she struggles with deaths in her family who were not followers of you. And calm PC as she books an appointment with the doctor and discoveres why she is feeling so terrible all the time. Lord God I just pra that you will help these three women in their struggles and allow them to draw closer to you in their times of need.


I would like to thank you for my brother, for it is his birthday today, and you love him dearly. I just would like to ask that you would give him and his wife a good day and that he would feel your presence as he is beginning to age lol. 


I also would like to pray for the girls in my dorm unit at college. M is really struggling with addiction, and K is healing. L is trying to overcome the past. The rest of the girls - J, J, A, N, D, A, T haven't shared yet, but Lord I pray that you will guide their hearts and minds to know what you desire for them to share and that you will help others to understand what they are going through and comfort them. 


Thank you so much Lord, and I just pray that your will be done, and that you will have your hand in everything I mentioned  today.

Struggling, but happy,
Not-So-Princess Lizzy

Amen

Meditation

For another required thing I have to for school is journal about my experience as I used discursive meditation for a passage in the bible. I really felt God calling me to meditate on Matthew 6:25-33. The only way I will remember anything is to write down as I meditate, so get ready for a bunch of jumble.

Jesus is talking to his disciples on a mountainside.  The sky is clear, it smells fresh and clean. I can hear the birds in the air. I really wish that I had a pen to write down everything Jesus is saying, or maybe I do, I'm not quite sure about that. I know that Jesus is my saviour, but the rest of the disciples don’t know that yet. I can’t get enough of what he has just said. Gross, the grass is wet and is making my clothes damp. Guess I didn't notice as I have been sitting here for a while. I wonder what happened to all he people following Jesus, where did they go. Did they not see us go up here on the hillside, curious? It is a nice day, not too warm or cold; just perfect if you ask me. You know that smell when you are outside and it just smells like it is growing? Well that is what it smells like here; fresh.  

Jesus has been talking a while on being quiet about our prayer and our giving. This is so different from what I am used to! All my life I grew up thinking that we were supposed to be vocal about our prayers, using extravagant words and everything and make public displays of donation so that people will praise us, but no. That is all wrong. Suddenly Jesus came to the section that most astonished me! How can someone talk like this? I just sit here listening, my attention never wavering. 

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 

Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or "What will we wear for clothing?' For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for you heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Does this mean that I have to trust that everything will be provided for me? So often I wake up and worry about what people will think about what I am wearing or how I appear. At times I worry about where the food will come from or how I will make enough to pay for my rent. I don’t know if I can just give it all up to him. It is easier to hold those things close and not let others know about them, so to fully give it up to God is so hard. I want to ask Jesus about what I should do if he doesn’t provide. What if I trusted in him and I didn’t get fed, or had enough to pay my rent and get kicked out. What do I do then?

So that was the end of the assignment. Hope you guys learned something from my rambling :)

Meditating,

Not-So-Princess Lizzy

Boyfriend Trouble

Do any of you who have boyfriends ever wonder if it is going to work out? That is what I am going through right now. I mean, my boyfriend is great, but we are so far apart. I just don't know how this is going to work. I knew him for like a year before I started dating him, but I had only really seen him for 4 days before I actually accepted his request to be his girlfriend. I know that is confusing so I will break it down for you.

We met at my uncle's place last Christmas. I was visiting and my cousin had invited his friends over, so he was there. We saw each other for like four days and I kinda liked him. We didn't talk to each other for a long time, until this past summer we started texting each other, and then all of the sudden he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was a girl craving male attention, so what did I do?? I of course said yes. When we saw each other again I was super excited to see him and we hung out for about 5 days. After that I had to go back home.

The thing is. He lives in Saskatchewan. I live in BC. So now I am going to college and he is back in Saskatchewan and he doesn't know if he wants to come out here next year for college and I know I can't go out there because I can't transfer my program. I really like him and all, but really, what am I supposed to do??? I keep asking myself and I even asked my oldest brother what I should do, and all he said was that I would know. I don't know if I want to stay with him forever or if I want to live my whole life with him. We have been dating for about a month and a half, and I am not sure what to do.

Do I continue going out, or do I be honest with him? I am so scared to hurt his feelings. I know that at this point he likes me more than I like him, but I am not sure that being in a relationship is what is best for me right now. I am honestly trying to discover myself here at bible college, so how am I supposed to be in a relationship with someone and trust them not to hurt me, when I am not sure who I am myself. Am I acting, or is that me? I don't know!

Another thing is that I am a very physical person. I like to be able to see the person in front of me, and I like to be able to cuddle. How am I supposed to survive without having them there? I am really struggling and honestly don't know what to do.

Relationship issues,
Not-So-Princess Lizzy

Journalling, a Discipline

So, for a college class called "Spiritual Formation and Discipleship" I am required to write a journal entry about my spiritual formation. I guess what I am trying to say is I am sorry, but I have to do this, so if you don't want to read it, that is completely fine.

As most of you know, I am a bookaholic. I tend to read a lot and have actually gone overboard with reading. When I was in grade 10 I read a book a day, and I don't mean like 100 pages, but around 300 page books. That is not healthy. What I am saying is that due to my excessive reading, I never really read my bible. I comforted myself with the fact that the majority of the novels were Christian Inspirational books. Don't get me wrong, reading is absolutely a good habit to get into, but not do the extent I was. I couldn't sleep without reading at least a page in my book, and once I read a page I couldn't put it down. I would read to the early hours of the morning. I am not proud of how I acted, and at times I let my studies drop because I was reading to much.

What any of this has to do with spiritual formation, well, I let fiction get in the way of my bible. I would try to do my devotions, but I have to admit, reading my bible is way less thrilling as my books were at that point in time. I couldn't get past the long lists and the way they were written. Yes they were stories, but they were written in a form that was unlike a novel. They didn't have much description and very little dialogue, just the decisions people made and the results of those choices. Not very interesting right? So I guess that reading got in the way of my relationship with Christ and my journey in learning more about him and what he means to me.

My life is full of pit-falls and struggles, and most of it I will share later on in some other posts, but God has been there through it all. There have been moments when I felt like throwing it all down and walking away because I couldn't see what he was doing to my life. When I feel like that God reminds me of a poem.

Footprints

One night a man had a dream.

He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. 

For each scene, he noted two sets of footprints in the sand:

one belonged to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, 

h looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. 

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, You said that once I decided to follow You,

You'd walk with  me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, 

there is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why when I needed You most You would leave me."

The Lord replied,

"My son, my precious child, I love you and would never leave you. 

During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,

IT WAS THEN THAT I CARRIED YOU."

I know that God has been there in my life. Now that I look back I can see the whole picture and know that the only reason I made it through those situations was because he carried me. I would not have survived on my own. When I really needed him I would pray and somehow, somewhere, I knew that God would change me, change my life for the better in the end even if it didn't feel like it. At one point I felt so low that I temporarily considered taking pills and ending my suffering I could literally see God's hands reaching down and lifting me off of the floor!! Totally a Lord of the Rings moment. 

I continue to struggle with keeping in God's word, but I now find it much more interesting and intriguing than I did a few years ago. I just have to pray that God will give me the strength continue to seek his presence. I desperately need God's presence in my life, and I will not make it on my own. My struggle will be to continue to seek him when I am busy or just don't feel like it. I am praying that He wont let me do that, but will keep me in his hand, encouraging me to follow after him. I know that there will be other disciplines that I will have to learn to practice, and this is only one of them, so I don't know how well I will do at learning other things. I will try new things, and I think that it will be difficult trying new things when I may not feel like it.

Writing Her Feelings,
Not-So-Princess Lizzie

Overloaded

I recently got all of my homework for college. Wow. That is so freaky!

Yes, I know that all of these projects are for a span of time, it just seems like so much to do in such a short amount of time! I scheduled it and it is just so frustrating to have to figure out when things are due and how much time I should put into them all. I am glad that I have it all outlined now.

If any of you have ever gone to college you know what this feels like. OVERLOADED!!! I just don't even know anymore. I look at my calender and I have so much to do it is freaking me out! Although it may not actually be that much, it sure seems like it and no matter how much I work in a day, I never get it all done! :S

I don't know if you guys have ever been so tired that you fell asleep doing homework, well that happened to me last night. I was just chugging away when I laid my head down and bam, I wake up half an hour later and know that I need to get my sleep. So not cool!! :S I recommend that you all get your sleep when you are at college, otherwise when 7 pm rolls around, you don't feel like doing anything but climbing in your uncomforted bed and sleeping for 10 hours straight. And this sucks even more when you have a job. I recently got a job as the cashier here at college. It is great, but it also is terrible because I don't have any more freedom, I have less. Yes I have money, but I have absolutely no free time now, when before I had a little bit, but not much,. This is greatly frustrating and I wish that I coudl just slow eerthing down and get all my work done in the first two weeks of school! Oh well.

So advice for those out there in grade 12 or younger. Be happy! Enjoy your last couple years of freedom. You will need it!

Baggy Eyed

Not-So-Princess Lizzy

I am too young for this!!!

This has got to be the freakiest thing that I have ever done! I am in college!! Like that is just so weird. I have officially moved into dorm rooms at Columbia Bible College. I never really considered how different it would be. For now, I don't think it has really hit yet. I have just been kinda living it out here, but it feels almost like I am at camp and I will go home soon.

I am not sure how long it will take for it to be more real. Unfortunately though I have some issues to figure out with financial stuff. I am not going to bore you all to tears with the boring sad details. It will hopefully get sorted out in the next day or two, but if not, I definitely need some prayer... but you if you aren't a prayer person, that is fine. I know that some people are totally against religion, and I have to say, so am I, but that is for another conversation.

Back to my dorm. I have an awesome dorm buddy. Her name is Jessica and she is the sweetest person alive. Strangely enough we have a lot alike, which is really nice. The coolest thing happened. Her uncle called her and said he was getting her a fridge, so now we have a fridge in our dorm! So I know that I am totally being lame and boring. Sorry about that.

Living in dorm has been so much fun so far, and I am looking forwards to the rest of the year though. Totally a strange experience, but one that I would not change for the world.

So SKYPE has become my new best friend. It is pretty awesome. Due to the fact that I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend I will be using it a lot. Unfortunately the internet has been acting up. I hate it when it does that. Why do they have wireless if it will take forever to fix itself?? (so frustrating) But enough complaining. SKYPE is so nice to have, and if any of you ever are long distance from someone it is great because it doesn't cost anything and you get to see them. Although it is not as good as actually seeing them, it is still pretty cool.

So I am super tired and there have been so many orientation things the last couple days that I am exhausted. I will talk to you later.

Baggy-eyed

Not-So-Princess Lizzy